Hobgoblins (Road to Halloween)

A little intro to today's review. I wrote this a number of years ago about a classically bad film called "Hobgoblins". It really is one of the worst things I have ever watched, and even MST3K didn't manage to make it shine too much, but I hope you like my hate filled rant about this film.

I would like to start this comment by sharing something personal with the readers. I am not a very emotional person...by that I mean that I don't cry a lot. I am not saying I never have, I have cried at movies because it was sad, I have cried at movies that have made me happy. However, Hobgoblins made me cry many times. Not because it was sad, but because it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Not even the MST3K version of the film could make me admit to enjoying this abortion of cinema. I have to say a big thanks to Rick Sloane though. He is the only man who has made me cry so much...all because the end credits began to roll.

To start off, the acting was akin to watching a room full of manikins fall over in a comedic fashion. It was so laughable it made me bust a gut. No, seriously...surgery is pending. The fight scene with the gardening equipment may be a crowning achievement in cinema as the most uninteresting event ever captured on film. The old man that guards the abandoned film lot walks in such a fashion that it almost appears as though he has an small invisible donkey helping him walk around all the time! Another thing with the film lot...it's out of business, it's abandoned, and yet it has a security guard. To make matters even worse they are in the proceeds of hiring a second guard!!! Why!? Not so much a plot hole as it is a plot pit fall. A man who lies on a grenade you would think would disintegrate when it set off, right? Wrong, he flies across the room, gets set on fire, only to come back later on in the film with nothing but a pair of crutches and no burn marks. The crutches which, he swiftly throws aside at the end of the film so he can go and have sex with his slapper of a girlfriend. I have similar experiences of enjoyment to this film, namely, using a drill as a cotton bud. I'm not saying the film was bad, I'm simply saying that it might actually be the cause for all disease. In short, watch this film and die. Almost like the Ring, only not worth watching. If you own a copy I suggest using it as fire lighter material.

I think Rick Sloane should be put in front of a firing squad. A firing squad with really bad aim that would probably miss all his vital organs and continually shoot him in places that would hurt and yet not fatally wound. For some reason Mr Rick Sloane, feels that his original film of Hobgoblins was not enough to scar the world, and so 19 years later a sequel is being made. I would like to urge all readers to bow their heads in prayer to the mighty bat gods, in the hope that they will swiftly extinguish him in the night. I beg of you all not to watch this film, it will not only steal your soul, but it will make you suicidal. Save some time and kill yourself having never watched it and at least you will die soul intact.

Rating 0 out of 5

See it if you liked:
MST3K

What does IMDB say?

Review by Stephen King